How I have been feeling...

This may be the most serious email I have ever sent, anyone laughing will be ... shot in the pinky toe!! A friend called me a few minutes ago and asked me how I have been feeling since all of the 'female issues' began... She has begun the journey I hope I am almost finished with... I wish I had a Garmin to tell me how many miles til it was over...right now I am recalculating...She asked me to describe how I feel and this is the best way I can describe it...

Most of you know what I have been going through monthly with the 3 week cycles, headaches, and OCCASIONAL moodswings... Through everything I have been dealing with for the past 5 years, there are about 3 weeks a month I feel like this:

I have a headache. My eyes are feeling kinda weird and puffy, fuzzy and heavyish. My stomach is bloated. My innards feel crampy. I'm hot. I'M HOT. DAMMIT I'M HOT! You can ask my mom and sister, my house is set on 70 damn degrees and I am sweating!!!

My children sleep in flannel pajamas and wrap up in robes and blankets in the summertime... People walk outside in 100 degree heat to thaw out, THEN come back in the house... Last week, I swear my house was so cold, my coffe pot would not get hot enough to make a pot of coffee... ice cream does not melt on my counter...

THIS IS THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD (TO ME)!

If this is what menopause feels like...I'm sure I will come close to bashing myself in the head with an anvil (Does anyone have the number for ACME so I can place my order now?) and my home will be kept at 36 degrees while I'm walking around in a bikini with my hair in a knot up top.

I want to kill everyone (no offense). Cute kids laughing? Death mutant ray to the gut.

Little old ladies picking out Hallmark cards? Death mutant ray to the gut.

Puppies? Death mutant ray to the gut.

People knocking on my door to invite me to church or asking me to buy steaks off a truck? Death mutant ray to the gut.

Friend or family call to see if i need anything (unless they are on the way over to do an at home hysterectomy..dont bother) Death mutant ray to the gut.

The lizard in the garage? Gluetrap to the gut...EVIL LAUGH EVIL LAUGH EVIL LAUGH

I am HOT. Too hot.

My other half was used to a warm reception from me. He know knows that If he touches me...I shall stab him in his femoral artery!

Simple huh? I guess it could be worse...